Literal Warriors
by Sir Wilda Skye
Summary: Remember how warrior names aren't literal? Well, now they are. Plus, Scourge is back with a reinforced collar. So, will ThunderClan rise in glory, or fall in defeat?
1. Again!

**Once in a land of distant unknownness, there was a clan of mystical cats called Warrior Cats. They were divided into different groups. There were the clans, ThunderClan, RiverClan, WindClan, and ShadowClan, the kittypets, the rogues, and the loners. You know how in the clans, there are names that suggest their personality and appearance, e.g Cloudtail, but his tail isn't actually a cloud. Unfortunately, in this dimension, it would be and is. So, enjoy.**

* * *

Firestar gazed upon his beautiful clan. The birds chirped, the flowers bloomed, the leaves and grass showed their beautiful hues. The vibrant colors of his clanmates brushed by his vision, making him proud of his clan. The wonderful breeze blew through his fur, and it was a perfect day. However, something was about to ruin this lovely day.

Suddenly, there was a burning sensation in his chest. He quickly bolted off to his den, where he searched through his stuff, tail in the air. He yanked some slippery elm through his messy pile of stuff and quickly chewed a leaf. He calmed as his heartburn slowly dissipated. Then he started coughing as a cloud of dust accumulated around his face. He looked back to see his wonderful mate, Sandstorm, clouded in sand. "Honey, why do you insist on having that cloud of dust everywhere?" he growled.

"My dear, I must have it because my name is Sandstorm." she replied. She looked over at the slippery elm that Firestar still clutched. "Honey, what is that? And why is it not in the medicine den?"

"My heartburn meds." he replied, stashing the herb in his pile. "And I need to get to my heartburn fast, so I'm afraid of crunching Leafpool. My name, after all, was Fireheart."

Sandstorm rolled her eyes and walked away. Firestar, now content, began to walk out of his den. But then he heard a squeak. He picked Millie up off of the grass, looking at her body that was only 1000th of an inch. "Hello, Millie." he said with a smile.

"Be careful!" Millie squeaked. "You could have stepped on me! You have to remember that you will step on me if you aren't careful!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, nag, nag, nag." Firestar groaned, setting her down. "Bye now." He walked out of his den to meet Cloudtail and Brightheart. Cloudtail, as you could tell, had a cloud for a tail. Brightheart was so bright she served as the sun. "Hello!" Firestar yelled up to him.

"Hello!" they greeted back.

Brambleclaw padded out, with his strangely prickly claws that always had raspberries on them. "Firestar, I must tell you something in private." he said urgently. He and Firestar padded into Brambleclaw's den.

"Firestar, Scourge has come back." he said gravely.

"What?!" Firestar said in disbelief. "I thought we killed him!"

"Well, the Erins screwed up and now he's back." Brambleclaw sighed.

"That sucks!" Firestar said. "Now we have to kill him _again!_ I already lost one of my lives to him!"

"Yup, it's us against him and BloodClan." Brambleclaw said.

"Well, let's kick his butt!" Firestar cheered. He then clutched his heart again. "Oh, great StarClan, heartburn!" he said, running off to his den again.


	2. Berrypaw's Death

**I'm surprised at how popular this is! Thanks for your support, and everyone else follow! **

* * *

Fireheart padded out of his den, his heartburn relieved. He decided to organize a patrol to the Twolegplace to try to track down BloodClan. He walked back up to Brambleclaw, taking a raspberry off of his claw.

"Ow!" Brambleclaw said.

"Sorry, your clawberries are really good." Firestar said. "I don't care if they induce heartburn."

Brambleclaw rolled his eyes.

"Anyway," Firestar said, chewing the clawberry. "I want to organize a patrol to Twolegplace to make peace with BloodClan and I want to take you, Graystripe, Sandstorm and Honeypaw with me."

"Should I get them?" Brambleclaw said.

"No, I was just kidding about the patrol." Firestar said sarcastically.

"So I don't have to go."

Fireheart sighed and facepawed. "No, Brambleclaw. I was being sarcastic."

"No, I have to go, or no, I don't have to go?"

"Whaddaya think?" Firestar said. _His name should have been Littlebrain._

Brambleclaw sighed and dipped his head, going off to find Graystripe, Sandstorm and Honeypaw.

"Finally, he's gone!" Firestar said, sitting down. "I just know he's going to be long." He yawned and fell asleep.

* * *

"Firestar? FIRESTAR!"

"Eee!" Firestar screeched as he jolted awake. "H-how long was I out?!"

"Seven minutes." Brambleclaw said unamusedly.

As his vision cleared, he saw Sandstorm and Graystripe, who was small with no arms or legs, making him appear as a stripe.

"Where's Honeypaw?" he asked, standing and looking around for her.

"Stuck to the floor." Sandstorm said. "She's in her den. Just woke up and her paws stuck right on the leaves. Ashfur's still trying to help her off, but his fur is sticking to her paws and now they're all black. Ashfur's lucky his fur grows back."

"I guess we can take Berrypaw then." Firestar said. "Where is he?"

"I'll go get him." Brambleclaw said, going towards the apprentice's den. "Berrypaw? BERRYPAW?" he called, padding around. "Probably snoozing." he grunted. He walked to Berrypaw's nest, but found he was GONE!

* * *

"P-p-please don't hurt me..." Berrypaw said, backing up against the wall of the dark, twoleg alley.

Scourge padded up to the cream apprentice and spoke in his voice that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. "My dear, I'm _going _to hurt you. Who do you think I am, Firestar?" he laughed.

Berrypaw narrowed his eyes at the small black and white tom. "Firestar is a great cat!" he yowled. "You should pay him more respect!"

Scourge smirked at him. "I _will_ pay him my respects..." He held up his whip paw. "...when I destroy my wretched half-brother with this!" He whipped Berrypaw's muzzle, causing him to fall to the ground. "He may have defeated me once, but he shall fall this time!" He looked into Berrypaw's eyes that were wide with fear with an evil look. "And you shall be the first to go."

"No, NO, NO, no..."

His pleads slowly silenced as he was slowly suffocated by Scourge's whip. Finally Berrypaw exhaled one last time before his body went limp and his spirit left for StarClan.

"Idiot apprentice." Scourge sneered as he laid Berrypaw's dead body on the grass below him. "

Ice, who was just a cat carved of ice, somehow walked up. "Rest in peace, Berrypaw." he said.

Snake, who had no arms and was skinny with scales and a forked tounge, also slithered over. "We'll miss you."

Scourge looked at them like they grew another head.

Then Ice and Snake burst into laughter. "Oh, Scourge, you actually thought we were serious!" they guffawed. "Of course we don't miss that nincompoop apprentice, we're BloodClan!"

"You got me good." Scourge groaned with a smile, rolling his eyes.


	3. Yaoi? NO!

**Thank you all for being so kind! And Tonto, I will answer your question in this chapter. ;)**

* * *

Brambleclaw ran back to the patrol. "Guys, I can't find Berrypaw anywhere!" he mewed frantically.

"Where could that furball be?!" Firestar spat. He looked and realized there were paw prints - three of them in fact. The fourth was a strange but eerily similar print that looked almost like a bird's talon print. But it just didn't seem like that.

"Maybe a strange monster took Berrypaw!" Graystripe suggested.

"Shut up, Graystripe. We both know that didn't happen." Firestar scoffed.

"Have a better idea?" Graystripe huffed, offended.

Firestar stared at the strange print in the dirt, examining it and trying to put his digit on where he'd seen it before. Then suddenly a look pure terror appeared on his face as he backed away slowly. "We need to follow these prints!" Firestar yelled, blitzing after them. Shrugging, his clanmates followed him.

After finally reaching them, they gasped indignantly as they found Berrypaw, paws already severed off, dead and bleeding jam. The little cream fur he had had been matted down with his own "blood", and his amber eyes remained forever open.

Meanwhile, Scourge, Ice, and Snake all sat lazily, eating Berrypaw. Scourge was digging out the jam from the paw, Ice licked his jelly out slowly, and Snake simply ate his paw whole.

Firestar dry heaved in disgust. "You cats are sick cannibals!" he yelled.

"It's not cannibalism, he was a berry." Ice scoffed.

"You have no right, you're an ice-cube with an underbite." Brambleclaw growled.

"You have no right, you have berries on your clawssss." Snake hissed.

"You have no right, you're a snake." Sandstorm said flatly.

They glared at each other, amber eyes meeting yellow, green eyes meeting blue. Then Scourge made an epic face. "Want a bite?" he chuckled.

"NO!" Firestar, Graystripe, Sandstorm and Brambleclaw yowled.

"Ugh, we're getting off topic!' Firestar groaned. "Your choices are, 1) Surrender and dismiss BloodClan or 2) Be a stubborn, fox-hearted piece of mousefodder and face the wrath of our clanly claws."

Scourge laughed a slow, quiet laugh, touching muzzles with Sandstorm. "Or, 3), you can step down as leader, let me take over the forest and enslave you all, and take this little she-cat to be my queen..." He added a low chuckle after the last phrase. At least low for his voice.

"There is no way I'm being with you, you ant-sized, pain in the tail, creep!" Sandstorm hissed with disgust.

"Oh, come on, my dear." Scourge said, getting slightly flirty. "My dear, we have all the necessary equipment to... have kits." He looked over at his whip paw and smirked.

"No! I am not doing that with... with _you_!" she hissed.

"Plus, she's my mate! I'm supposed to do that!" Firestar yowled.

"...Menage a trois?" he suggested.

"Maybe~" Firestar mewed. "Honey?"

"Firestar!" Sandstorm hissed.

"Okay, I guess we're going to have some yaoi, then." Firestar mewed.

"No, Sandstorm was the whole - ugh, you know what, let's just forget this. I'm taking your girl." Scourge groaned. He grabbed her scruff and started dragging her away easily, despite them being the same size.

"Help!" Sandstorm shrieked.

Firestar ran after his beloved, but he stopped and covered his muzzle, for heartburn had suddenly stricken him. He slowly fell to the ground as he watched his sandy beauty get dragged away by his dastardly brother. "Sandstorm..." he whispered.

Brambleclaw and Graystripe attacked Snake and Ice, but they were disposed of easily. Snake bit Brambleclaw, causing him to lose very easily. Graystripe was thrown to the ground by Ice, due to not being able to claw his enemy. Ice and Snake followed Scourge and his new mate with a smirk.

"We have to get her back...!" Firestar yowled, eyes locked on his half-brother.

"Firestar, we must rest." mewed Brambleclaw sternly, bleeding. "Then we will track down your half-brother, his minions and Sandstorm and defeat them."

With a sigh of grief, Firestar looked to the grass that was now bloody under his paws. "Okay." he growled, padding back.


	4. Firestario

Firestar woke up to a paw prodding him in the side. He slowly woke up, looking around with his clouded vision.

"Firestar? Firestar!" a voice called out. Firestar looked up to see Brambleclaw, Graystripe, and Honeypaw, standing around him.

"Y-yes?" Firestar moaned groggily.

"Firestar, get up!" Graystripe hissed, nudging Firestar with his muzzle.

"Why?" Firestar groaned.

"To save your mate?" Brambleclaw mewed confusedly.

"Five more minutes..." Firestar groaned, yawning and rolling over.

"FIRESTAR!" Graystripe yelled, trying to wake him up.

Honeypaw sashayed up to the scene. "Step aside, Graything." she said, knocking him out of the way with her thigh. Then, she placed a paw on the back of Firestar's head, and yanked. Her sticky paws ripped a patch of fur right out of his head. Firestar screeched, bolting up.

"Okay, okay, I'm up!" he growled, getting up. He let out an angry sigh. "Do we have our traveling herbs?"

"Yup, got 'em while you were sleeping." Brambleclaw said.

"Okay, let us start our quest!" Firestar mewed happily, bounding out of his den.

Once Firestar was out of earshot, Honeypaw leaned in to whisper to Brambleclaw. "Bipolar much?" she mewed.

"You guys comin'?!" Firestar yelled.

"Yes." Brambleclaw agreed before picking up Graystripe and rushing off with Honeypaw.

* * *

The group padded on the lonely trail. It was nearly sunhigh by now, and all of the cats were bored.

"Ugh, this walking is so boring!" Honeypaw whined.

"Honeypaw, stop complaining." Brambleclaw growled, glaring at her.

"We need to do something." she continued.

"Let's make up a traveling song!' Graystripe suggested.

"That's a horri -" Brambleclaw was interrupted by Firestar.

"That's a great idea!" Firestar said. He took a deep breath and started singing this song.

"99 piles of prey on the floor, 99 piles of prey! Eat one up, now it's gone, 98 piles of prey on the floor!" Firestar sang gleefully.

"This is going to be a long trip." Brambleclaw groaned.

* * *

"1 pile of prey on the floor, 1 pile of prey! Take one down, pass it around, 1 pile of prey on the flooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..." Firestar finally sang.

"Please just finish already!" Honeypaw yowled.

Suddenly Firestar hit a note two octaves higher, causing his clanmates to cower in fear. The pitiful screeches of his clanmates only fueled him to sing louder. A loud crack and a shriek were heard that finally got Firestar to shut up. Brambleclaw's head quickly turned to see Ice, groaning. A stick made of ice lay beside him.

"Did your... thing... uh..." Brambleclaw said, lifting his paw, then slowly putting it back down.

Ice stared at him blankly. Finally, he got the message.

"NO, OH DARK FOREST NO!" Ice yowled. "YOU PERVERT, THIS IS MY TAIL! It fell off when your idiot leader was screeching that horrible melody!"

"Give my mate back!" Firestar yowled. "And apologize for slandering my song!"

"No and no." Ice mewed.

In a fit of rage, Firestar pinned Ice down to the ground.

"Where is she?!" he yowled.

Ice looked at Firestar with a smirk. "Firestario, your princess in another clan." he mewed smugly.

"NOOOOO!" Firestar yowled. With a large paw he stomped out Ice's head, making it shatter into a million smithereens.

Graystripe looked at Firestar. "Probably should have asked him which clan she was in before killing him."

"Oh yeah..." Firestar mewed.

"Great. Now we have to find Snake." Honeypaw mewed, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, let's continue our grand quest..." Brambleclaw said, trudging ahead on the path.


	5. Scourgie, It's Not Going to Work

The gang padded along the path.

"This is boring." Honeypaw said.

"Let's do something." Graystripe said. Firestar took a hopeful deep breath.

"No, not sing that idiotic song." Brambleclaw snarled. Firestar hung his head dejectedly.

"Man, you've been rather moody on this trip." Graystripe mewed concernedly. "Anything up?"

"Well..." Brambleclaw mewed sadly. "I think Squirrelflight is cheating on me."

"Why?" Firestar asked.

"And with who?" Honeypaw asked.

"With _whom._" Graystripe corrected.

"Screw grammar, this tom's mate is a traitor!" Honeypaw yowled.

"I think Squirrelflight's cheating on me with another squirrel." Brambleclaw said.

"_Another _squirrel?" Firestar asked.

"You don't know your own daughter?" Brambleclaw mewed confusedly. "She's a flying squirrel." He turned back. "Anyway, I think our sexual habits aren't pleasing her."

"Uh... why?" Honeypaw asked, only partially wanting to know the answer.

Brambleclaw stood up on his hind legs and the reason was right in front of them. His... thing was a berry. Literally. Firestar retched in disgust.

"Dear StarClan!" he yowled.

"Yup, that's what she said too." Brambleclaw said, getting back down on all fours and looking down.

"Oh, that's just so sad!" Honeypaw mewed.

Suddenly, they heard a cackling sound. They looked over to see Snake, rolling on the floor laughing. "And ssssssso sssssssadisssssstically funny!" he guffawed.

"Shut up!" Brambleclaw said.

Snake contained his laughing for a moment. Then he burst out laughing again. "I-I can't do it! I jusssst can't do it!" he laughed.

Firestar's mind got back on track. He tackled Snake to the ground.

"Where is Sandstorm?!" he yelled.

"She is in the Twolegplace. I would recommend not getting her unless you want to reek of Twoleg."

Firestar threw Snake to the ground, killing him. "Okay, let's hope he's telling the truth and go." he proclaimed.

"Are you sure?" Brambleclaw mewed softly. "If she's not there - or even if she is - we could get trapped, or killed, or tortured, or enslaved, or -"

"I'll take my chances. Now let's go." Firestar whispered somberly. He looked down and started padding to the Twolegplace. Looking at each other concernedly, his clanmates followed him.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the League of Nations...

**Shut up!**

Oh, sorry. Meanwhile, at the Twolegplace...

Scourge sat on his makeshift throne of garbage. He looked just so lazy, sitting up there, while his minions of BloodClan worked under him. Meanwhile, Willie and Tess, who had rejoined BloodClan, guarded an imprisoned Sandstorm, who glared up at Scourge, who looked back down at her smugly and lustfully, who flicked her tail at a fly, who then flew onto Bone (who, by the way, was a skeletal cat), who, since he was a dead skeleton, couldn't do anything, but caught Barley's eye, who flicked the fly off, who flew onto Violet, who flicked it over to Scourge, who finally just killed it. He then looked back at his "mate."

"Now that I have you in captivity, you seem much more attractive a prize." Scourge said.

"Prize for what?" Sandstorm mewed annoyedly back.

"StarClan's missing an angel." Scourge said.

"The Dark Forest is missing a demon." Sandstorm spat back.

Scourge scowled at how easily Sandstorm could deflect his cheesy pick-up lines.

"If beauty were time, you'd be eternity." Scourge said.

"And that's how long I want to be un-humped by you." Sandstorm said.

"What do you and the weather have in common? You're both hot!"

"What do you and ants have in common? You're both black and way too small!"

"Let's commit the perfect crime: I'll steal your heart, and you'll steal mine."

"I'm calling the cops."

"Damn it!" Scourge yowled, defeated.

"It's not going to work, Scourgie." Sandstorm mewed.

"You just called me Scourgie." Scourge mewed quickly, pointing his tail at Sandstorm accusingly.

"Damn it!" Sandstorm yelled. Her wit was slowly dying off. She was coming to the slow realization she might die _here_. Which would truly be the worst death of all.


	6. Honey, We're Poor

Firestar and the gang -

"Wait. Firestar and the gang?! Why does Firestar get special mention? I'm leading this expedition!" Brambleclaw yelled to the Narrator. "Firestar's just sitting back there like a nincompoop!" He looked back at Firestar, who was humming the song and, indeed, acting like a nincompoop.

"Firestar's the leader! It's totally correct that _he_ should get special mention over _you, _who's been nothing but a fox-hearted, pain in the tail, mouse-brain all trip! I mean, come on, who made dirt in your herbs this morning?" Graystripe yelled.

"At least I have a reason to be sad!" Brambleclaw growled, stepping towards the gray cat-ish thing. "There's absolutely no logical reason you and Firestar should be as idiotic as you both are!"

As Brambleclaw and Graystripe argued and Firestar sat in the corner being dumb, Honeypaw glared at them all. "Insolent fools." she snarled quietly to herself. She soon noticed that the fight got louder and louder, and she threw her head into the grass for salvation from the unstarclanly noise of them shrieking at each other and being at each other's throats like two eagles fighting for a worm. Finally, it just got too much. With instincts like lightning, she quickly put her honey-covered paws on both of their muzzles, shutting them up. They squeaked in protest, but honey already covered their mouths.

"Finally, you two shut up." Honeypaw groaned with relief and pure hatred for them.

With a grunt of defeat, Graystripe and Brambleclaw stopped struggling as Honeypaw led them on their journey.

* * *

"Honeeeeeeey! I'm boooooooooored!" Scourge whined.

"Why should I care? You're the one who won't get any board games!" Sandstorm growled.

Scourge sighed and face palmed. "Honey, we've been over this. I can't get any board games because we're poor."

"Can't you just steal it? You're the leader of BloodClan, for StarClan's sake!" Sandstorm growled.

"Honey, I'd put my beautiful clan in danger." Scourge said.

"And you care why?"

"Because I don't want to die and my clan are my bodyguards."

"Well that isn't a very good way to live."

"I don't care."

"You don't care about living?"

"Of course not, I'm immortal."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"You're not making any sense."

"I'M SCOURGE! I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY SENSE!"

With an exasperated sigh, Sandstorm walked to her cold, hard den and laid down. "I miss my dear Firestar..." she whimpered to herself.

Scourge sat down next to Bone. "Oh Bone." he sighed, pacing. "She-cats are so crazy. You know, my mate Sandstorm is really acting up. I dream of a world where toms live over she-cats and they can't kick our butts for it! I dream of a world where those kittypets cower under by our kind! Oh, that'd be such a wonderful life!"

Bone, of course, said nothing because he was a bone.

Barley padded over to them. "My dad told me that there was once a time when Twolegs lived like that. But then something happened and that wasn't the general rule of society anymore. I think they called it the suffrage. Or maybe the torturage. Or the suffangry. I dunno."

"Oh. Well, I guess that time is gone..." Scourge groaned, looking down. He looked back up, slightly less disheartened. "Okay, let's send a patrol to scan the area for those clan cats. Who do we have?"

"Well, there's Snipe, Minty, Jaggedtooth, Willie, Destinystar -"

Scourge's eyes widened. "Wait, isn't Destinystar supposed to be in another fanfi..." He trailed off as a cat with white fur, one red eye and one purple one and wings peeked over the bushes with the most insane smile on her face. As Scourge stared at her, she slowly ducked back behind the bush.

Scourge blinked and shook his head, then continued. "Anyway, I'll go with Minty and Willie. Send Jaggedtooth to guard Sandstorm while we're gone."

Barley looked at Scourge and frowned.

Scourge scoffed and rolled his eyes. "_Please _send Jaggedtooth to guard Sandstorm while we're gone."

"Okay." Barley said, walking over to Jaggedtooth.

Scourge grabbed Minty and Willie, then walked over to Sandstorm's den.

Sandstorm looked angrily at them. "What do you want, tailface?" she growled.

"Tailface?" Scourge chuckled.

"I'm dying here, alright? I can't come up with very good material."

Scourge smiled smugly at Sandstorm. "Just so you know, we're going out on a patrol. If you try to escape..." He chuckled again and his smile grew to his ears as he looked over at Jaggedtooth, who was monstrous compared to the tiny, willowy Scourge.. Jaggedtooth smiled, showing his rotten, yellow, horrible teeth.

Scourge looked back at Sandstorm. "So anyway, toodles!" He turned, "inadvertently" kicking dirt in Sandstorm's face, and the patrol sashayed out to the border.

Shaking the dirt from her eyes, Sandstorm grew worried. Would Firestar be able to save her before she lost her mind?


	7. The Epic Battle with Dubstep

**Hey everybody! Sorry for the extremely late postage of the last chapter, but here is the 7th chapter. A shoutout to those who have nicely commented nicely (Frostypie901, Destiny Willowleaf, and squirrelflight776) Oh, and to Destiny Willowleaf, I'll see what I can do. I warn you, however. Since I don't know much else about her, it may not be pretty. ON WITH THE SHOW!**

* * *

"Scourge! S-scourge!" Barley panted as he ran after the patrol. A white cat with a claw mark over her eye trailed him.

"What do you want? And who is this? And why are you panting? We walked about a rabbit-hop away!" Scourge asked angrily.

"This is Winterclaw." he panted, motioning to the she-cat. Scourge looked down and noticed that her claws were shimmering icicles. Winterclaw gave a small nod to the small, black leader. "She wants to join the patrol." he added.

"I didn't know that she was in BloodClan." Scourge said.

"She's new." Barley explained.

"And why didn't you tell me before?"

"She joined a heartbeat ago."

"And why didn't you tell Ice and Snake?"

"They're dead, remember? That was why you made me deputy."

"Ugh, fine. As long as she's not a rebel spy she can come."

The patrol continued to the border, newbie in tow.

"Hey guys, this is a boring trip." Willie mewed.

"We should sing a traveling song!" Winterclaw suggested.

"Give it a shot." Minty said with a slight smile.

"NO!" Scourge knew what was coming, but Winterclaw started anyway.

"99 PILES OF PREY ON THE FLOOR!" Winterclaw began.

"Oh no!"

* * *

"ONE PILE OF PREY ON THE FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!" Winterclaw finished.

"Thank the Dark Forest that's over!" Minty groaned.

"That was awful!" Scourge snarled.

"It passed the time, didn't it?" Winterclaw mewed.

"I guess it did; we're here." Willie sighed as he motioned to the Tallpines in front of them.

Scourge scanned the area. "Something's not right..." he muttered.

"What?" Winterclaw asked.

"I don't know." Scourge mewed.

* * *

"Mmm! Mhmm mhmm!" Graystripe yelled through Honeypaw's paw as he motioned ahead of him with his tail-ish-sorta-thing.

"What?" Honeypaw asked.

Firestar peeked over Honeypaw's shoulder. "It's BloodClan - and Scourge!"

* * *

"Well, well, well. If it isn't my old half-brother, Firestar and his foolish friends."

* * *

"Well, well, well. If it isn't my old half-brother, Scourge and his malicious minions."

* * *

Scourge and his patrol bounded up to Firestar.

* * *

"STOP

* * *

WITH

* * *

THESE

* * *

LINES!"

* * *

Scourge

* * *

yelled.

* * *

"Okay, fine!" the narrator yelled. She stopped inserting the lines.

"Okay, now that that's over with..." Firestar mewed. "GIVE ME BACK MY MATE!"

"No." Scourge mewed.

"Why not?" Firestar asked.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"WELL I - uh... I WILL SAY TO GIVE HER BACK AGAIN!"

Scourge nearly died laughing. "WHAT?!"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

"Oh brother, how incompetent you are!"

"WELL THEN I'LL BATTLE FOR HER!"

Scourge got up and an evil grin spread across his face. "Come at me bro." he hissed.

Without another word, Firestar lunged at his enemy and pinned him down easily.

"Wait hold on! What are we doing? This isn't an honorable battle!" Firestar yowled.

"Why?" Scourge asked.

"We need epic battle music!" Firestar mewed.

Winterclaw inhaled hopefully.

"I SWEAR TO THE DARK FOREST, WINTERCLAW, IF YOU SING THAT FLIPPING SONG I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR CLAWS AND PUT THEM IN MY ICED TEA!" Scourge yelled at her.

Winterclaw sank to the ground, dejected.

"Well, what if we put it to dubstep?" Mintie asked.

Winterclaw looked up, her eyes begging.

"Ugh. I suppose so."

So this is what is sounded like (of course accompanied by inspiring string dubstep music):

**99... piles of prey**

**99... piles of prey**

**99 piles... 99 piles of prey on the floor, 99 piles of prey on the floor, 99 piles of prey on the floor, 99 piles of prey on the floor**

**99 - WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWEEEEEEEEEEWOMP WOMPWOMPWEEEEEEEEWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*pu-pu*WEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWUBWUBWUBWUBWEEWE EWEEWEEWEEWEE!**

As the background track played from a location unknown and Winterclaw sang along, Firestar and Scourge had their epic battle that I will not go into detail about because I'm a horrible person. After much tumbling, pushing, foul play and she-cat fighting, Fireheart finally ended up on top of his stepbrother.

"WHERE IS SANDSTORM?!" Firestar yelled.

"I WON'T TELL YOU!" Scourge screeched back.

"YES YOU WI-" Fireheart stopped and a look of sheer horror appeared on his face as he fell to the ground next to his half brother. Heartburn.

Scourge chuckled an evil chuckle and climbed on top of his brother. "I guess this is how it ends, doesn't it? Me... on top of you... heh. It's all over for you now. Your precious clan will be mine, your mate will be mine, and you will sit back in your precious StarClan wondering how it happened. All that you had will be mine. Now blah blah blah..."

As Scourge continued his boring speech and Brambleclaw sat in the back imagining yaoi, Firestar noticed something. "Slippery elm!" he thought with relief. But it was just a kitstep too far away; if only he could get a little closer! He reached for it, but Scourge's weight kept him just a tiny bit away from it.

"blah blah blah AND NOW I SHALL KILL YOU AND TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!" Scourge yelled. Scourge lifted his claw and his smile grew to his ears.

Firestar's eyes widened in fear. Would he be able to get the slippery elm before Scourge ripped him to shreds?!

* * *

**:o Cliffhanger! What will happen?! Who will win? Find out in the next chapter! **


	8. It All Comes to a Close

"blah blah blah AND NOW I SHALL KILL YOU AND TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!" Scourge yelled. Scourge lifted his claw and his smile grew to his ears.

Firestar shook with pain and fear. But with one last push, Firestar took advantage of his brother's temporary imbalance and kicked him off, grabbing the slippery elm. He gobbled it up in one bite, and soon it relieved his heartburn. He leapt onto his brother and pinned him to the ground.

"NO! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE RULER OF THE FOREST!" Scourge screeched, writhing under his brother with fury.

"No brother. It's time..." Firestar grabbed some sunglasses out of nowhere.

"For establishment."

His half brother gave him a blank stare.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"..." His brother raised an eyebrow.

"Get it? For establishment? Forest ablishment?"

"Brother, your jokes are horrible."

"Why should I care? I'm going to kill you soon anyway."

"But...BUT YOU WON'T KNOW WHERE SANDSTORM IS!"

"Of course I will, she's my mate."

Scourge looked up at his brother, fear visibly growing in his eyes. "But you wouldn't kill me!"

A kind smile grew on his brother's face. "Of course not, you can have your clan back _and_ you can keep my mate!"

"OH THANK THE DARK FOREST I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA -" Firestar interrupted his brother as he rammed his claws into his brother's throat.

"Of course, I'm kidding! You're going to live a horrible afterlife and rot in a place where there's nothing but white!"

"NOO!" Scourge yowled as he took his last breaths. He finally lie limp under his brother.

"Well... I guess he's dead." Honeypaw said.

"Okay... this is sort of awkward..." Brambleclaw said.

"Okay, let's go get Sandstorm now."

* * *

"Sandstorm!" Firestar yelled as he ran into the paws of his mate.

"Firestar!" Sandstorm gasped as she got to her paws and ran to her mate.

They stood in tight embrace - well, as close to embrace as cats can get - and everything was quiet. For a while.

"Okay, this is boring. Let's go." Honeypaw groaned.

"Can we not have one minute of sweet silence?!" Sandstorm howled.

"No."

Sandstorm glared at Honeypaw for a while, then came to a horrifying realization. "Uh... where's..."

A low chuckle rumbled through the den. Standing behind her was the fearsome Jaggedtooth!

"RUN!" Sandstorm yelled. In a split second, the ThunderClanners burst out of the den, Jaggedtooth close behind.

"WHOO! FIRST LINE OF THE FANFICTION!" Jaggedtooth yelled.

The cats dashed through the forest, Graystripe safely nestled in Sandstorm's jaws. Just when they thought they were ahead, a cry of despair sounded behind them.

"Help!" Honeypaw yelled. Firestar looked back to see that Honeypaw had stuck to the forest floor.

"Honeypaw!" Sandstorm yelled. By then, Jaggedtooth had already creeped up behind the light brown tabby and raised his claw.

"Guess we'll get Biscuitbutt and have a -"

Jaggedtooth froze and shook. "A... A... A..." He fell to the ground with a large thump. Behind him stood...

"Barley?" Firestar asked with confusion.

"Yup!" he said as he lifted Honeypaw from the ground with his teeth.

"But how did you find us?" Sandstorm asked.

"And what the heck happened to your paw?!" Honeypaw asked with worry.

"I found you guys because Jaggedtooth screeched so loudly. As for my paw..." He looked down at Jaggedtooth's dead corpse. His paw was embedded in Jaggedtooth's flesh. "I'm sort of made of barley. But don't worry. I'll just sleep on some fertilizer tonight and it'll grow back like always."

"I have a better idea." Honeypaw said with a slight smile. She took Barley's paw out of Jaggedtooth with her jaw, then stuck some honey on the end and put it back on Barley's arm. It wasn't perfectly new since some of Barley's claw was still stuck in Jaggedtooth's back, but it was much better than sleeping on fertilizer and waking up covered in dirt just to grow a paw back.

"I have some other tricks to keep you together if you wanna come back to camp with us." Honeypaw offered, her smile slightly bigger. Barley looked over to Firestar and gave him puppy-dog eyes. Firestar nodded back with a smile.

"Sure!" Barley cheered.

* * *

EPILOGUE

"There! Done!" Honeypaw said with a smile as she looked at Barley. "Here, go look in the puddle."

Barley looked at himself in the clear pool of water. "I'm... shiny?!" he said with surprise.

"But you won't break apart any time soon. See, I put a thin layer of honey everywhere on your body. Not enough to stick you to the floor, but enough to keep you together."

"And you say you put it everywhere?"

"Yes."

"_Everywhere?_"

Honeypaw gave him a blank stare, then got the idea. "Almost everywhere." she clarified. "If I put it _there, _well, hkhkcat, Bristleclaw and Falconsky would torture Sir until she wrote a lemon. And she really doesn't want to write a lemon."

"Who the heck are those people?" Barley asked.

"I have no idea."

"HEY GUYS! PARTAAAY!" Millie squeaked from below.

"Wait, didn't ThunderClan already have a party when they defeated fat Firestar and Dovewing in that other fanfiction?" Honeypaw asked.

"Yeah, but they just had soda there. Now we have lots of other cool stuff. Come on, I'll show ya!"

Millie, Honeypaw and Barley all walked out into camp, and indeed it was a much better party. There was soda, but there was also a bouncy house that all of the kits were bouncing up and down in, a giant box of donuts, an 18 foot pizza, a Wii, a slide, and a stage that, again, had yet to be used for karaoke.

"Great StarClan!" Barley gasped.

"I'm getting me some of those donuts!" Honeypaw cheered as she made a break for the donut box.

"I'm off to get some pizza!" Barley yelled.

"I'm getting back in the soda bottle!" Millie cried.

As they dashed to their respective locations, Firestar and Sandstorm danced to the techno music that played, Leafpool blew in the wind to the music, Squirrelflight was dancing with Brambleclaw but secretly mourning the loss of her "boyfriend", and Brambleclaw was dancing with his mate and savoring the taste of squirrel. Finally, after the song ended, Violet ( who had joined ThunderClan with all of the other BloodClanners ) stepped up to the stage. She was, as her name implied, bright purple.

"Okay, everyone, now we're gonna do karaoke! Firestar, Honeypaw, Brambleclaw, Barley, Graystripe and Sandstorm, come up here!" She called.

All of the cats mentioned stepped on the stage. "Okay, now you'll sing Bohemian Cat-sody by Queen! Get it, cat-sody?" Some cats groaned, while some chuckled slightly. The karaoke track started to play, and Sandstorm started to sing.

**Bohemian Cat-sody**

**All:**

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a prison,

No escape from reality.

Open your eyes,

Look up to the skies and see,

**Sandstorm:**

I'm just a poor girl, I need no sympathy,

Because I'm easy come, easy go,

Little high, little low,

Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me.

**Honeypaw:**

Scourge killed, killed Berrypaw

Put a whip against his head,

Pulled so tight and, now he's dead.

Oh his, life had just begun,

But now he's gone and thrown it all away.

**Firestar:**

Oh, ooh,

Why did you make him cry,

If he's not dead again this time tomorrow,

Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

**Sandstorm:**

Jaggedtooth's, teeth are really bad

Send shivers down my spine,

Eyes are aching all the time.

**Graystripe:**

Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

**Honeypaw:**

Jagged, tooth (any way the wind blows),

I don't wanna die,

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

(Music)

**Graystripe:**

I see a little silhouette of a patrol,

**Brambleclaw:**

Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will they do the Fandango?

**Barley:**

Scourge and his patrol,

**Sandstorm:**

Just makes me say oh, oh

**(Everyone else): Firestar:**

(Oh no, heartburn) Oh no, heartburn.

(Oh no, heartburn) Oh no, heartburn,

**Firestar:**

Over there's some slippery elm

**Everyone:**

Magnifico-o-o-o-o!

**Sandstorm:**

I'm just a poor girl and nobody loves me.

**Everyone else:**

She's just a poor girl from a poor clan, you see,

Spare her her life from this monstrosity.

**Sandstorm:**

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

**Barley, Brambleclaw and Graystripe:**

Bismillah! No, we will not let you go.

**(Honeypaw and Firestar:) Barley, Brambleclaw and Graystripe:**

(Let her go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go.

(Let her go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go.

**(Sandstorm) Barley, Brambleclaw and Graystripe:**

(Let me go) Will not let you go.

(Let me go) Will not let you go.

(Never, never, never let me go) Ah.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(Oh, mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go.)

**Sandstorm:**

Oh, Scourge had a guard that was just guarding me, just me, just me.

So you think you can scratch me and claw out my eye?

So you think you can love but then make me die?

Oh, Scourgie, can't do this to me, Scourgie,

Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Oh, yeah, oh yeah

Nothing really matters,

Anyone can see,

Nothing really matters,

Nothing really matters to me.

Any way the wind blows.

* * *

**Well, that's the end! I hope you liked my fanfiction. Review, favorite, tell people, all of that good stuff. And just so you know, the fanfiction that Honeypaw/Millie was referring to is another fanfiction of mine called Firestar Goes Power Crazy. It's absolutely ridiculous, but read it anyway c:**


End file.
